Twenty-seven years ago, I married the most beautiful woman on earth (she still is!). I was young, brash, arrogant, selfish — but I didn’t realize it at the time. I had told Mary before we were married (and for many years after), that I didn’t want children. Not because I disliked babies or kids or teens…. but because I was convinced I would not make a good father, a good dad.
But I had no doubt whatsoever that I’d make a fantastic husband. I thought I had all the “bible learning” down on being a good husband, and I thought I would exemplify what a good husband was. Boy, was Mary lucky to have me! That last part may not have been a conscious thought, but it might as well have been.
As it turned out, I knew nothing about being a good husband. Without going into details, let’s just say I made it about me, my rights as a husband, the respect I “deserved” based on my biblical role as leader of my household. I expected respect (without demonstrating I deserved it) and had little tolerance for anything I interpreted as questioning my role or my “wisdom.” Frankly, I was a fool and a jackass.
But then came a day I’ll never forget. My grandma, a wonderful woman of God with down-to-earth common sense, pulled me aside and basically let me know what a putz I was being as a husband. My grandma was kind, sweet and extremely wise. For her to “put me in my place” shocked my sensibilities, but it was sure necessary and I’m grateful she did it. Her rebuke was and is a great example that corrective admonishment can be done out of love.
I wish I could say that from that day forward, I was indeed the husband the Bible calls for and the man of Mary’s dreams. Unfortunately, that has not been the case. But I have always been mindful of what I should be and hope I’ve made progress in that direction.
Having reached mid-life (assuming a “standard” life-expectancy!), I am heeding the warning of Socrates & Plato regarding an unexamined life. As I reflect on my life and its results, I see a man who is in many ways hard to love and hard to like. I see many friendships that have dried up, atrophied, faded — some due to what we call “life” (time, distance, changes in family or other circumstance); others due to neglect, and, I fear, my own self-centeredness.
More and more I realize the ripple effects through time my negative actions have on my family and the effects self-centeredness has had on my friendships. And these (family and friends) are two primary means God uses to give life meaning and purpose. I realize, without Mary, I would likely be alone and with little hope of an enriched life “on this mortal plain.”
As our marriage has unfolded, my wife has loved me when my words and actions have caused mental and emotional pain; she has loved me when I have failed to be a spiritual leader; she has loved me when I’ve been quick to anger; she has loved me, quite honestly, when I have been unlovable.
Many husbands, on occasions such as anniversaries, state, “I wouldn’t change a thing.” But, if I could, I would. Change who I married? Not on your life! Change the person I’ve been and behaviors I displayed? Absolutely.
But, alas, I cannot do that. What I can do is continue to preach the gospel to myself (especially in regards to forgiving myself), and I can strive to be a husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the church. A calling and responsibility I far too often forget. It is when I sacrifice myself, when I give of myself — when I intentionally lead for the present and eternal good of my family, when I put their welfare above my own desires that I have any good impact — in the now and in the future. I can strive to be what my grandma admonished and reminded me I should be, and I look to God to redeem my past sins and to “make up for the years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25) as I seek to please Him in the more excellent way of love — particularly in the intentional love of a husband and father.
My wife has inexplicably continued to show me grace, mercy, forgiveness and love throughout our married life. She has, in many ways, shown Christ in action. God has indeed blessed me, and I continue to learn what love is and how to love because of Mary.
Thank you, honey, from all that is within me, for being my wife.
Ants in the Pants of Faith 